Saturday, March 21, 2009

100th post - dedicated to Dan Rule

I had several ideas on what to do for the 100th post of Ballarat Ultimate, but I was astounded that I have never in the previous 99 posts mentioned the lengthy list of things I have learned about Dan Rule in the five or so years I have known him. I usually keep track of them over at Facebook but I thought I would share the ever-growing list with you now.


Dan once dumped himself via text message.

Dan once completed Super Mario 3 with one hand tied behind his back and the other hand tied behind his back.

Dan tried testing the old adage "A watched pot never boils" and proved it to be incorrect.

Dan doesn't use deoderant. Instead, each morning he staples a fresh rose on each armpit before going out.

Dan can't tell the difference between yellow and up.

Dan claims to have invented time. He has no idea how long it took him to do it.

Dan can play the guitar with his feet, but only the song "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas.

Dan went to the Paralympics once, and asked a guy with no arms for his autograph.

Dan doesn't have a favourite colour, but if he did it would probably be fourteen.

When Dan was 10 he shaved his cat and glued the hair to his groin for pubes. Unfortunately he is allergic to cat hair.

Dan once played Jumanji and won in four minutes.

Dan went back in time to tell Galileo he was an idiot.

Dan told Shane Warne to use SMS to keep his fingers agile.

If an infinite number of Dan Rules sat typing at an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite length of time, all they would come up with is the script to "Men In Black II"

Dan uses soapy water as a chaser when drinking shots. He used to use bleach but he decided that he was white enough on the inside. Dan hates blacks.

Dan has never been to a library in his life. He thinks books are the reason he's left handed.

Dan has picked every single Melbourne Cup winner since 1983, except for Might And Power in 1997 because he "didn't think it would be that obvious".

Terrorists are yet to strike in Australia because Dan wrote them a polite, but firm, letter asking them not to.

Dan has written several drafts of his autobiography, but refuses to have it published because of the number of inaccuracies.

Dan removed his own appendix when he was 12 using a steak knife and a Dustbuster.

Dan wants to become a pirate because Johnny Depp makes him feel funny in his special place.

Dan owns a flux capacitor, but he has no idea how to use because he lost the manual years ago.

Dan once forgot what honey tastes like.

Dan doesn't believe in South America.

Dan learnt how to speak Dolphin so he could ask them riddles to prove they're not really smart. Unfortunately they seduced him and now Dan is the father to 3 dolphin calfs.

Dan is considered a God amongst the lemming community. Their sacrifices are in His name.

Dan can jump 32 metres high but refuses to since he doesn't know what a metre is.

Dan entered the 1992 Olympics as his own nation, but lost every single event.

Dan dreams of one day becoming one of those fancy hats posh women wear at the races.

Dan doesn't like this line because it's completely inaccurate.

Dan can't drive a car but he does have a driver's license, which he uses to chop mints up and snort them because he can't afford coke.

Dan's favourite pick up line is "wanna lick my eyebrows?" It's never failed.

Dan gets confused by the title of the hit TV show '24', as he can only count up to 7.

Dan once lost a sex contest to Kieran who was asleep at the time.

Dan is so is afraid of turning gay that he only walks in straight lines. If he wants to go somewhere the rest of the world has to rotate to accommodate him.

If Dan was a Mr. Man he'd be Little Miss Naughty.

Dan once busted an entire school of trout for cheating as he knew something fishy was afloat.

Dan was an extra in Cars. He was the red one.

Dan is an accomplished skiier and would be a multiple time world champion if he wasn't scared of snow.

Dan can do a thousand pushups in thirty seconds, as long as no-one is watching.

Every time Dan gets a new Melways he looks in the Legend for pictures of himself.

Dan thinks that fascists are so named because they dislike funny faces.

While most of our bodies are made of water, most of Dan's body is made of love.

Dan once bathed in the blood of a thousand virgins but just ended up red rather than clean. Now he uses soap and warm water.

Dan is a telepathic entity that recreates the desire of whoever looks directly at him. No two people have seen the same Dan Rule.

Dan thinks Dr. Pepper is a real doctor, and has sued him for malpractice.

Dan thinks he is lactose intolerant because he doesn't take shit from dairy products.

Dan must eat his own body weight in pasta every day in order to survive.

Although he did it, Dan never received credit for designing the BA Falcon.

Dan has never missed an episode of Deal Or No Deal.

Dan's Australian accent is fake.

Dan actually laughs all the way to the bank.

Dan believes that the First Fleet arriving in Sydney was staged.

Dan has no natural predators, nor does he have any friends.

Dan feels uncomfortable eating bananas in public.

Dan had the same driving instructor as Olympic swimmer Matt Welsh.

Dan reckons all the seagulls are up to something.

Dan Rule consists of 90% water and 10% Dan.

Dan estimates that his lefty backhand has gotten him laid over four times.

Dan runs an online petition to have double lines painted across Bass Strait because he thinks it's too dangerous for ships to be overtaking each other.

In 2003, Dan sued himself for libel.

And won.

Dan doesn't like going to Subway because he feels overwhelmed by the number of decisions that need to be made.

Dan only knows two things about women, and both of them are wrong.

The first rule of fight club is Dan Rule.

Dan fathered the entire 2010 Thunder squad, and is disappointed with all of them.

Dan avoids playing mixed because his mark is so tight he risks getting girls pregnant.

Dan came up with the name for Fyshwick United. They all hated it and wanted to go back to being called ACTion Men.

There is no 'i' in 'team'. However Dan has two 'i's. Fuck you, team.

If you rearrange the letters in Dan's name, he'll get upset and ask you to put them back.

Dan can't find Wally in the last page of the book. If you ask him about it he'll yell "IT'S BULLSHIT. THEY'RE ALL WEARING SHOES."

Dan's car runs on the hopes and dreams of his opponents. It goes fast. Really fast.

Dan can set the sun on fire by channeling the power of ants through a magnifying glass.



Hi Dan!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I should have taken up Tom Brennan on that bet...

Subtitled: 2009 Regionals Results



So what if I got the Wildcards the wrong way around, but I was closer than he was.

Listed below are the final placings for Regionals around the country held last weekend, with my predicted placings in brackets.

Northern Regionals

1. Firestorm O (2)
2. Firestorm D (1)
3. Brisbane Barbarians (5)
4. Thor (4)
5. Slamtown Flatball Club (3)

1. Buff Breaka Bond Misfits (1)
2. Sultry Blue (2)
3. Sultry Red (3)
4. QUTies Women (4)


Western Regionals

1. Sublime A (1)
2. Sublime O (2)
3. Happy Pig (4)
4. Fear (3)

1. Kaos (2)
2. Primal (1)
3. Suffer Jets (3)


Eastern Regionals

1. Fyshwick United (1)
2. I-Beam (3)
3. Fakulti* (2)
4. Fakulti* (4)
5. Brick (5)
6. Umlaut (6)
7. Hills (7)
8. Westies (8)
9. Slapdash (9)

1. Wildcard X (3)
2. Northern Beeeaatches (2)
3. Wildcard Y (1)
4. Factory Girls (5)
5. Southside (4)
6. Sugar Magnolias (6)
7. Hills Angels (7)


Southern Regionals

1. Chilly (1)
2. Heads Of State (2)
3. Karma (3)
4. Chilly B (4)
5. Evolution (7)
6. HoS White (5)
7. Karma B (6)
8. Tassie Tiggers (9)
9. GFUC/Roflcopter (8)

1. Sporting Team Box Athletico United (1)
2. Honey (2)
3. Bush (3)
4. Indies (4)
5. Honey Gs (5)


* As of writing, the two Fakultis are yet to have played their placing game.

Proper write up of my experience of Southern Regionals to come later this week.

Friday, March 13, 2009

"Hey, where did they come from?" - The 2009 WFDF Rules

I don't think there's been a formal announcement from the AFDA yet, but WFDF have released the 2009 version of the rules of ultimate. Officially speaking they come into effect tomorrow (March 14, 2009), but they won't get adopted in Australia until someone (governing body, league director, tournament director) says so. I imagine it won't be until after Nationals at the earliest.

Personally I think an "annual update" of the rules isn't really necessary. There's still people getting around that don't quite have the 2008 rules down pat. But then again there's people playing that don't have any version of the rules down pat, so that kinda makes it a moot point. Regularly changing rules are the biggest arguement there is for a mandatory rules quiz for players. Personally speaking I think there should be a rules quiz as part of registration for Nationals.

But I digress.

The 2008 rules only saw some minor changes. The only one I can remember right now is removing the 'middle' call after a pull lands out of bounds. But this time around there are what I think are some massively significant changes.

1. Marking infractions don’t stop play. After a second infraction, the marker resets the count to 0 and continues.

2. Play doesn’t stop for a travel where the thrower hasn’t thrown the disc, the stall halts and the thrower goes back to the correct pivot point as indicated by the defence.

3. Calling a time-out when you don’t have any left is not a turnover. Add 2 to the stall count instead.

4. Players may ask non-players for their perspective on a call.

5. There is a new infraction called “Contact” for when the marker touches the thrower or the disc but not in the act of throwing – this should not be treated as a foul as it is not affecting possession, but treated as a marking violation.

6. If a call during or after the throwing motion did not affect possession, then it should be ignored. For example, if a thrower is fouled in the act of throwing, but the disc flies perfectly to the receiver who then drops it on their chest, the turnover should stand.

7. In order to throw after landing but before establishing a pivot, a thrower must maintain contact with the ground throughout the throwing motion.

...they're the listed "Significant Changes", but I think there's some "Minor Changes" worth highlighting...

8. Allowed play to be stopped if play is obstructed by non-players or objects on the sideline.

9. Allowed non players to return an out of bounds disc to within 3 metres of the field.

10. Added new “Indirect foul” to deal with contact that does not relate to an attempt to catch the disc

Source - WFDF Rules of Ultimate 2009 Summary Of Changes


On first glance, I thought that all makes sense and the changes are a logical progression.

On a proper read through, I thought, "Wow, this is gonna remove heaps of stoppages at elite level."

Then I read through again and thought a bit more about it. My reaction now is that the application of these rules is going to be a fucking mess. I'm thinking at a league-or-weekend-tournament level. There are going to be so many players who stop for stuff that aren't stoppages any more, and will bleat about their ignorance, therefore creating a stoppage anyway.

Whenever we introduce these rules in Australia, there is going to have to be a fierce "re-education" campaign to get the message out there. I'm even considering establishing a requirement for the captain of uni teams to do a rules quiz prior to Uni Games, but have no idea how to enforce it.

But for now, I urge you all to read the new rules. Or at least the summary of changes. Then send the link to all of your team mates.

2009 Regionals preview

I originally planned to post this on Monday and not on the night before so people might actually, y'know, read it before the tournaments happen. But it ended up taking me all week to write, so here it is...


Northern Regionals

In the Open division there's 74 players across 5 teams, but there's no escaping the notion that this is just Firestorm going through the formalities of getting to Perth. North easily has the most difficult path to the West financially and logistically, so it's no surprise that only one team has made plans to travel. Still, there's good regional representation, with players from Townsville, Gold Coast and Byron Bay joining the usual Brisvegas lads. Expect one of the Firestorm squads to take out the title, but there's no reason either Thor or Slamtown could slip in to second place and earn an invite to Perth. Firestorm D looks the better of the two, with Mike Neild, John McNaughton and Al Don on their list.

1. Firestorm D
2. Firestorm O
3. Slamtown Flatball Club
4. Thor
5. Brisbane Barbarians

The women's division looks to be the same - a warm-up for Sultry. Only four teams fronting up this time around, but it looks like Sultry will be testing themselves with two close-to-savage teams up against QUTies and Buff Breaka Bond Misfits. QUTies lack the experience to challenge any of the three teams but they'll definitely come out of the weekend as better players for the experience. I'm tipping the upset here, and picking BBBM to win. With a larger squad and a handful of key experienced players (Kristen Nott, Sandra Poon, Gen Healy) they're more likely to last the distance.

1. Buff Breaka Bond Misfits
2. Sultry Blue
3. Sultry Red
4. QUTies Women



Western Regionals

There's a Western Regionals this year? Awesome! Since last time Nats was in Perth (2005), there's been policy changes, meaning you have to go through Regionals to play Nationals, and not just slap together a team a few weeks before. Some might yearn for those good old days, but the growth of our sport realistically means that not just everyone can play Nats otherwise we'll be running WUCC-sized tournaments every year.

I'm the first to admit I know absolutely bugger all about the West. I can count on one hand the number of times I've ever seen a single gender Perth team play, and would need the other hand to count mixed. This weekend there's 106 players turning out to qualify for their backyard-based Nationals. Truth be told, I had no idea Sublime had 35 players on their list, and that there was enough interest in 3 women's teams. Rather than waffle on about educated guesses at the strengths and weaknesses of the 7 teams attending, I go straight to predictions that are largely based on how many names I recognise on each team. Although I do think the Open B2 v B3 could be an interesting game if it ends up being the Game To Go.

1. Sublime A
2. Sublime O
3. Fear
4. Happy Pig

1. Primal
2. Kaos
3. Suffer Jets

Yes, I know that's the order in what they're all registered, but I swear it's a coincidence.



Eastern Regionals

The big question this year - is Fakulti's dominance of the East on the way out? Fyshwick have again smashed their way through pre-season (one and a half tournaments, anyway), and with the addition of Matt Dowle and Warwick Shepherd to their roster they're only going to be more determined to take the title. On the other side of the fence, Fakulti have lost those two, and are returning to their "traditional" X/X split. But since they haven't actually registered the teams it's hard to make a call on how they're going to perform. At stake are 5 spots, with seeds 1, 2 and 3 at Nationals going to the top 3 from this group. Four of the top five seem pretty likely, but I reckon I-Beam have the goods to be able to sneak into the top 3. The fight for 5th is going to be interesting, with Hills, Umlaut and Brick all capable of taking it. I'm going with Brick, but whether they're making the trip west is another question.

1. Fyshwick United
2. Fakulti Pete (determined by coin flip)
3. I-Beam
4. Fakulti Ken
5. Brick
6. Umlaut
7. Hills
8. Westies
9. Slapdash

Question: Can anyone stop the Wildcard wagon? Answer: Yes. Ragine Wahine can. But they're not going to be at Eastern Regionals, so logic dictates that Wildcard should smash both the region and Nationals. However the reformation of the Manly team under the banner of Northern Beeeaatches (I think that's the right number of 'e's and 'a's) might have something to say about that. So will Southside. And Factory Girls. And Sugar Mags. And Hills Angels. Shit...this is going to be a close race. Wildcard's X/X split might go the same way as Firestorm and Fakulti and actually put them in a bit of trouble. I'll pick Wildcard Y as they seem to have a faster team than X, and Northern Beeeaatches to come in second.

1. Wildcard Y
2. Northern Beeeaatches
3. Wildcard X
4. Southside
5. Factory Girls
6. Sugar Magnolias
7. Hills Angels



Southern Regionals

I'm saving this for last because of two things. A) This is where I'm playing so I know more about the teams, and B) it's bigger than Easterns for the first time since ever (unless Fak have more than 30 players. Get registered, jerks!) Having local knowledge means I can tell you this - the best player this weekend is going to be the weather. Current forecast is for temperatures in the high teens (yay!), rain at times (workable) and high winds (oh bollocks). So experience is going to be essential, meaning the Gack Factor is going to be playing a big part in the outcome. Yep, he's back. Meanwhile Heads Of State keep getting better, and Karma are bringing probably their strongest team ever, assuming everyone is 100% fit. With some bias clearly swinging the decision, I'm picking Chilly to return to the top in South, with HoS taking second ahead of Karma. Chilly B is better than the last two incarnations of a second Chilly team, so they should safely take fourth. Cue the shitfight for fifth. Karma B, Evolution, HoS White and GFUC all have handlers who can easily deal with the wind, while Tassie remain an unknown quantity since everyone forgot they have a team until a few weeks ago. Much respect goes to Roflcopter for playing savage all weekend.

1. Chilly
2. Heads Of State
3. Karma
4. Chilly B
5. HoS White
6. Karma B
7. Evolution
8. GFUC
9. Tassie Tiggers
10. Roflcopter

The women's side is likely to be formalities right up until the playoffs, where we'll see Team Box versus Honey, and Bush versus whoever happens to win the B4 v B5 semi. Team Box have their usual crew, but with the additional experience gained by the four Terra girls during 2008. Bush have no significant losses, but gain Crystal Cheung, while Indies have lost Erin Wallis to Factory Girls. I'll tip Team Box to win for a third straight year.

1. Sporting Team Box Athletico United FC Albion City Town Rovers
2. Honey
3. Bush
4. Indies
5. Honey Gs


Good luck to everyone competing, and come back on Monday evening and watch me attempt to calculate the wildcards. Or wait for the AFDA to do it.