100th post - dedicated to Dan Rule

I had several ideas on what to do for the 100th post of Ballarat Ultimate, but I was astounded that I have never in the previous 99 posts mentioned the lengthy list of things I have learned about Dan Rule in the five or so years I have known him. I usually keep track of them over at Facebook but I thought I would share the ever-growing list with you now.


Dan once dumped himself via text message.

Dan once completed Super Mario 3 with one hand tied behind his back and the other hand tied behind his back.

Dan tried testing the old adage "A watched pot never boils" and proved it to be incorrect.

Dan doesn't use deoderant. Instead, each morning he staples a fresh rose on each armpit before going out.

Dan can't tell the difference between yellow and up.

Dan claims to have invented time. He has no idea how long it took him to do it.

Dan can play the guitar with his feet, but only the song "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas.

Dan went to the Paralympics once, and asked a guy with no arms for his autograph.

Dan doesn't have a favourite colour, but if he did it would probably be fourteen.

When Dan was 10 he shaved his cat and glued the hair to his groin for pubes. Unfortunately he is allergic to cat hair.

Dan once played Jumanji and won in four minutes.

Dan went back in time to tell Galileo he was an idiot.

Dan told Shane Warne to use SMS to keep his fingers agile.

If an infinite number of Dan Rules sat typing at an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite length of time, all they would come up with is the script to "Men In Black II"

Dan uses soapy water as a chaser when drinking shots. He used to use bleach but he decided that he was white enough on the inside. Dan hates blacks.

Dan has never been to a library in his life. He thinks books are the reason he's left handed.

Dan has picked every single Melbourne Cup winner since 1983, except for Might And Power in 1997 because he "didn't think it would be that obvious".

Terrorists are yet to strike in Australia because Dan wrote them a polite, but firm, letter asking them not to.

Dan has written several drafts of his autobiography, but refuses to have it published because of the number of inaccuracies.

Dan removed his own appendix when he was 12 using a steak knife and a Dustbuster.

Dan wants to become a pirate because Johnny Depp makes him feel funny in his special place.

Dan owns a flux capacitor, but he has no idea how to use because he lost the manual years ago.

Dan once forgot what honey tastes like.

Dan doesn't believe in South America.

Dan learnt how to speak Dolphin so he could ask them riddles to prove they're not really smart. Unfortunately they seduced him and now Dan is the father to 3 dolphin calfs.

Dan is considered a God amongst the lemming community. Their sacrifices are in His name.

Dan can jump 32 metres high but refuses to since he doesn't know what a metre is.

Dan entered the 1992 Olympics as his own nation, but lost every single event.

Dan dreams of one day becoming one of those fancy hats posh women wear at the races.

Dan doesn't like this line because it's completely inaccurate.

Dan can't drive a car but he does have a driver's license, which he uses to chop mints up and snort them because he can't afford coke.

Dan's favourite pick up line is "wanna lick my eyebrows?" It's never failed.

Dan gets confused by the title of the hit TV show '24', as he can only count up to 7.

Dan once lost a sex contest to Kieran who was asleep at the time.

Dan is so is afraid of turning gay that he only walks in straight lines. If he wants to go somewhere the rest of the world has to rotate to accommodate him.

If Dan was a Mr. Man he'd be Little Miss Naughty.

Dan once busted an entire school of trout for cheating as he knew something fishy was afloat.

Dan was an extra in Cars. He was the red one.

Dan is an accomplished skiier and would be a multiple time world champion if he wasn't scared of snow.

Dan can do a thousand pushups in thirty seconds, as long as no-one is watching.

Every time Dan gets a new Melways he looks in the Legend for pictures of himself.

Dan thinks that fascists are so named because they dislike funny faces.

While most of our bodies are made of water, most of Dan's body is made of love.

Dan once bathed in the blood of a thousand virgins but just ended up red rather than clean. Now he uses soap and warm water.

Dan is a telepathic entity that recreates the desire of whoever looks directly at him. No two people have seen the same Dan Rule.

Dan thinks Dr. Pepper is a real doctor, and has sued him for malpractice.

Dan thinks he is lactose intolerant because he doesn't take shit from dairy products.

Dan must eat his own body weight in pasta every day in order to survive.

Although he did it, Dan never received credit for designing the BA Falcon.

Dan has never missed an episode of Deal Or No Deal.

Dan's Australian accent is fake.

Dan actually laughs all the way to the bank.

Dan believes that the First Fleet arriving in Sydney was staged.

Dan has no natural predators, nor does he have any friends.

Dan feels uncomfortable eating bananas in public.

Dan had the same driving instructor as Olympic swimmer Matt Welsh.

Dan reckons all the seagulls are up to something.

Dan Rule consists of 90% water and 10% Dan.

Dan estimates that his lefty backhand has gotten him laid over four times.

Dan runs an online petition to have double lines painted across Bass Strait because he thinks it's too dangerous for ships to be overtaking each other.

In 2003, Dan sued himself for libel.

And won.

Dan doesn't like going to Subway because he feels overwhelmed by the number of decisions that need to be made.

Dan only knows two things about women, and both of them are wrong.

The first rule of fight club is Dan Rule.

Dan fathered the entire 2010 Thunder squad, and is disappointed with all of them.

Dan avoids playing mixed because his mark is so tight he risks getting girls pregnant.

Dan came up with the name for Fyshwick United. They all hated it and wanted to go back to being called ACTion Men.

There is no 'i' in 'team'. However Dan has two 'i's. Fuck you, team.

If you rearrange the letters in Dan's name, he'll get upset and ask you to put them back.

Dan can't find Wally in the last page of the book. If you ask him about it he'll yell "IT'S BULLSHIT. THEY'RE ALL WEARING SHOES."

Dan's car runs on the hopes and dreams of his opponents. It goes fast. Really fast.

Dan can set the sun on fire by channeling the power of ants through a magnifying glass.



Hi Dan!